My Mind vs My Heart (Part 4)

To the spark of madness in me that keeps me alive…

At the age of 22, the commitment I’ve made the spiritualism and self-growth were going well. I was changing a lot of lazy habits of mine. I cut off t.v from my life. I was going into 100% speed. I was waking up at 5 A.M, meditating, going to the gym, working with my clients, and going to engineering school full time. I was ready and committed to this journey.

At the same time, I was trying to socialize and make time for my people too. I was rolling out late with friends after a very tiring week, and I was working on the weekends. I was simply not making enough time for sleep. Was I aware of it by then? Hell no, I thought I found the secret formula to life’s golden ticket. I was like a freaking zombie filled up with anxiety.

Now that in my life, I wasn’t over-consuming food or alcohol, I was over-consuming time to achieve my dreams faster. I wasn’t surprised by the fact I was over-consuming in different ways because over consuming has always been my weak-side and it is really hard to recognize it. My love for consumption made me search for comfort in all different places.

I was not happy with me. I was struggling hard. I couldn’t handle this sad girl inside of me. I’ve made judgments to other people out of my fear. I’ve made the judgement to myself out of fear. I didn’t put me first. I was aching, hurting, crying but didn’t know how to express it. Don’t get me wrong. I knew I had to go deeper, but I was scared to go deeper. I knew I would face an issue if I dig more in there. Therefore, I did my best to ignore that pain by trying to improve my money and power and status.

I acted as I knew everything, but came to a realization very quickly that ” All I know is that I don’t know anything.”

Since I wanted to ignore all the sadness on earth and tried my best to keep my focus on being “happy” all the time, I believed I was happy. In most miserable situations, I thought I had to be happy with it and I simply ignored the situation.

Well, the crazy pandemic has arrived. Where we were asked to drop all the madness and spend time with ourselves at home. The earth needed a big break and sent us back to our cribs. Because of years of abuse to earth was not taken seriously by many, unless it directly threatened their daily lives. Because of struggling and poverty, many lost lives went through a very hard time and still is going through.

I ended up staying at home too but the problem was that I couldn’t sit with myself. I couldn’t stand sitting here with myself, because I wanted to ignore my problems. I wanted to ignore listening to myself. I was trying to burn down the spiritual fire in me to cover for my problems and get myself “safe”. I was seeking a lot of safety because I wasn’t feeling safe anymore. I was rushing to secure my life, as my life was a fireplace but deep down I had to learn to be fine with myself.

Finally, with the help of a great mentor in my life, I came to the realization that I wasn’t accepting my true self at all. It started to feel good to own myself and put myself first. I made a commitment to myself to be my authentic self. My mistakes, my failures, my bad and good side I love myself for who I am. In a word of eight billion people, I don’t need to be a perfect one. I just need to be myself. The rest will reveal to me.

The End


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