My Mind vs My Heart (Part 1)

Shout out to every argument my mind and my heart faced to find the real me.” 

I’ve had my first real relationship when I was 17 years old. I met him through mutual friends in high school. I can assure you that he was a very attractive guy. He was on top of his classes, and he was leading the basketball team. Back then, this guy was everything I could ask for. At 17 years old I was feeling this guy. I often found myself dreaming about carrying his babies and having that picture-perfect life with him. I often thought about how powerful I would look and how glamorous my life would be with a man like him by my side.

The reason behind my need for a powerful man by my side to see myself powerful was my low self-esteem issues. I didn’t believe in me then, I believed that I was a failure. Therefore I must find a man to “save me” but I wouldn’t realize that until later in life, after being let down by men many times…

I was always the hardcore pleaser in my relationships with men. I was such a comforter that I would make sure my partner is happy before me. I mean that. I would let myself suffer to please someone else. I would let myself be upset, to make somebody else happy. Why I acted that way? Because I loved them very much? Haha, absolutely not! Mostly because the voice in my head which I didn’t have control over at the time kept whispering like “You are worthless, you are lucky that he is with you, just tag along with it” and I believed in that lie for a very long time.

Right after high school, I moved to America. I didn’t know any English back then. Being away from my parents, trying to figure out a whole new country was challenging. I had a lot of figuring it out to do. I was going through a lot of emotions. I became an emotional mess and that was affecting my low self-esteem very poorly.

Right at that time, I got involved with a partner because I was desperately searching for one. I couldn’t dream of anything else, but having a boyfriend. The 19 years old me believed that a man would solve all of the problems in my life.

Because I was desperate, I was ok with just anyone.I mean that.Well, this desperation led me to a serious relationship with a guy who I wasn’t a very good match with. This guy had some toxic behaviors. I believed him, and I choose to oversee all the red flags.No joke dude, I ignored all of them. I let him take control.

Soon after starting to date with him, I found myself in a negative pattern of events. I have gained a lot of weight, I was having a lot of issues with my family, and I was having issues with my university.I don’t even want to mention about my self-esteem problems. I was miserable. I was suffering a lot. I was scared to face all the feelings and all the responsibilities I had. I was being toxic first to myself and then to all the people in my life.Again, it is because I was lost. The voice in me kept telling me I was safe because I had a man by my side. What a petty.

Fast-forwarding to two years later, My heart was aching. My soul was torn apart. I wasn’t feeling good. I was growing up and my thoughts were changing. I had to get rid of this pain. I was slowly opening my eyes to my reality. I had enough escaping from my reality. It was time to be a big girl and face my problems. What if I trusted and believed in the girl in me instead of betraying her? Just a spark of that thought started to move me. Slowly but surely, the magic was covering me.

Now It was the time…

It was time to connect back with that precious girl in me, whom I betrayed and left in the dark for so long…

To be continued

The Millennial Hippie

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